Saturday Night we decided to not make the mistake of even heading towards Wrigleyville. We were en route to start our night off at our regular spot, Hi Tops, when something caught my eye. A Shuffleboard table.
The Bar was called the Spread, perhaps dubbed so in reference to the "What Are The Odds" board placed above the rear bathrooms, or perhaps in reference to what the typical Lincoln Park Hunnies lurking this bar did after a night of O Bombs.....
Honestly we would have never even given this bar the time of day had it not been for the Shuffleboard Table. Nor would we have stayed for more than 20 minutes had the table not been free. The bar remained empty from about 10pm til midnight. Throughout that time we ordered an excessive number of $10 pitchers, so the environment got seemingly better as the night progressed.
We had a very sweet waitress who periodically brought us free pitchers. When the first one came and she informed us it was "On the House," I couldn't help but ask "Why?"
"Because I like you guys" she exclaimed
"Why?" I giggled as I looked at my buddy Monium who had spill stains on his shirt from chugging his glass to make room for the free booze... Perhaps that image made my question retorical.
Certainly in any bar review there is error and bias because, as we know, any bar review is written by a human. Therefore, I will err to the side of recommending this bar as the free pitchers definitely impacted my opinoin. Infact, i was so persuaded by the free booze, I will excuse the bar for charging $8 for O Bombs and calling it a special... For the record, I think I'd rather spend $8 to have Milton Bradley piss in my mouth than spend $8 to drink a watered down O Bomb.
Free booze also allows me to overlook the horrible experience of finding out the hottest girl in the bar was dating the biggest homosexual in the bar. As we know, brains and beauty is a tough combination to find. This lady was obviously too hot to realize her 'boyfriend' was wearing tight pants, and a vest with a hood. As if the outfit wasn't enough to indicate he swallows, the fact he was doing " The Sprinkler" on the dancefloor should have been. And I'm still wondering if he wore the hair barrette from the moment he went out, or if he borrowed it from his ridiculously hot girlfriend as the night progressed. In a moment of such confusion and/or disgust, I could only think of Jimmy Pop-Ali, of the Bloodhound Gang, who once sang "Chicks dig guys who don't dig chicks." Jimmy had obviously been in Chicago when these lyrics came to him....
Another aspect of the bar that always enduces a stellar bar review (besides free booze) is chicks dancing on the bar. My night (and the night of many around us) had to have been complete when 2 girls were pouring Bacardi down each others throats on the back bar. The bartender (the smart man he is) allowed them to consume enough free booze that they commenced make-out without realizing 50 strange men were watching (and 1 man in a vest with a hood was not).
It was at this point Bobby G and I looked at each other and immediately began chanting "Lick her Cl*t, Lick her Cl*t." Within moments, the herd of hornified males (sans vest-boy) rallied in the chanting. But Alas, to no avail, the lushes stepped down from the bar, leopard print and all...
By about 1 am we were nice and liquored up and ready to venture out into the night. Though I had a good time, I cannot promise I would ever return to The Spread. Again, $8 O Bombs being called a special, is, well.... Special....
Overall, The Spread gets 22 to 1 Odds that I would return, while the chick who was dating the guy in the vest with the hood gets 2 to 1 odds of lying in bed crying, ashamed her 'boyfriend' left her for a man named Bruce.
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